Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
