ya dads aren't the best wingmen
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
