Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
