I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
