Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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