so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
