YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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