I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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