Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
