She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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