wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
In other news, I just burned my penis
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
