why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
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