tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
