i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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