You can't special order awesome
Picture Ja Rule and 50 Cent having a sexy full grown love child son...He's on my bus right now, wearing an outside jacket with no shirt underneath. My fashion sense and libido are fighting it out.I'll keep you posted on who wins.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
