either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
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