I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
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