everyone is single if you try hard enough
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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