I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
