Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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