Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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