my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
