It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
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