Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
