Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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