It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
