So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
