Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
