did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
