You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
