Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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