My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
