white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
