I think scott just propositioned me for sex
therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
