If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
No more Irish car bombs ever.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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