So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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