apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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