Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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