If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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