there's paper in my vomit.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Randomize
