Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Randomize
