If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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