remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize