He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
