I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize