Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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