Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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