I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I think my vagina is haunted
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Randomize
