I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
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