i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
