I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
