i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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