Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
