Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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