i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
