I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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