So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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