im having a threesome with these popsicles
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
The ass gains better be worth it
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
