I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
and she was petting her beer can
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
